Hello and welcome to this week’s bonus post. I hope you’re all doing well.
Today I’m going to be talking about my struggles with anxiety and how I deal with an anxiety attack. Please forgive me if this post is less than perfect, a little ramble-y and scattered, but I just felt that I needed to share this and I’m writing it to post immediately. Be forewarned that this is an emotional and very hard subject for me to talk about but if it helps someone, then this post has served its purpose. Let’s get started.
My Form of Anxiety
This is a hard one to explain. There are so many complex layers to the messed up stuff that happens in my head but I’ll touch on one of the main points and save the other aspect for a future post.
If we were to boil it down, my anxiety stems from a place of insecurity and not feeling like I’m worthy of a lot of things; particularly love. I regret a lot of things from my past. We’ve all heard the saying, ‘your past doesn’t define your future’ but that’s a hard concept to accept when you’re someone like me.
I’m writing this after a week of mental misery. I remembered something that I wasn’t particularly proud of and it snowballed from there- all of my failures, my mistakes, my regrets. I should preface this by saying that what I feel bad about are things that happened before I met Yannick and that it’s nothing severe or extreme. But that’s the thing- anxiety doesn’t make any sense, especially to those who don’t deal with it, but in my mind, it feels like the end of the world.
In the midst of an attack, it feels like my mind will implode. It feels like my stomach has fallen out of my body, through the floor and into the deepest depths of despair. The guilt is overwhelming, the urge to scream is imminent and to the people who have experienced this, it feels like your life is over. I look at my boyfriend and feel this unbearable sense of unworthiness because he might be disappointed in me or feel a little less in love, when he’s been nothing but supportive.
It starts with deep breaths and more often than not, some tears. I’ve said it before but sitting in your thoughts and fears is the most uncomfortable process you can go through. Trust me, it helps. You have to face what scares you, for me, it’s the fear of being left, the feeling of being unworthy, and you have to sit in that discomfort. Scream, cry until you throw up, whatever it is, but it’s so important to face those things because in the long run, suppressing your anxiety, will only hurt you more. It might not solve the problem, but it’ll make you feel much better to let out your pent up emotion.
I also talk to Yannick. He’ll listen but doesn’t really say much, and knowing that you might say something that could hurt or upset your partner isn’t easy, but it hurts the relationship more when you feel the constant tension and emotional anxiety under the surface.
Lastly, find something in your life that you’re thankful for. I’ve said this many times in previous posts, but I try to live a faith driven life and although I’m not perfect in that, I thank God for everything that I have and everything that I am. I’m thankful for this ‘curse’ of mental instability because it has made me a compassionate, loving, faithful person and has shown me that I’m capable of sharing my struggles on a bigger platform and helping others. If you don’t believe in God, be thankful anyways. Find things in your life and things in yourself that you are thankful for. Your imperfections can lead you to do bigger and better things in your life and in this world.
I listened to this sermon on the website of the church I attend in Nashville. God moves in mysterious ways and I was feeling the pangs of anxiety and I immediately went onto the website and this was one of the sermons I had missed several weeks ago. And if you’re a faith driven person, I’d recommend listening to it here.
You are not alone. I’m here to talk to you about it if you need someone to listen. Please take the time to truly think about what you’re worrying about, weigh the worst case scenarios, and try to find reason. Easier said than done, I know, but it will get better and you are worthy of so much more than what your anxieties tell you. Have faith.